Here are what I think are the 4 stages of finding a relationship.
1. You love being single
The first stage is one where you profess the joys of being single. Being single is the best thing in the world. You wonder why anyone would be stupid enough to be in a relationship. You really relish the freedom and lack of responsibility that comes with being single.
To the people around you, you appear to be thrilled to be single. But do you really feel like this deep down? Is this a cover for the true loneliness you are feeling?
This stage is often the first stage after a breakup. You feel that relationships just do not work, and cause people to be unhappy. However, you will most likely realise that this stage is not permanent, and you are likely to find yourself in a happy relationship some time in the future.
Finding a relationship
2. Actively searching
In the second stage, you are over being single. You are no longer the Chief Activist for the “Love Being Single” movement. Your life has settled a bit, but you find yourself missing something. Over time, you start noticing that it appears like every person in the world is in a relationship. All your friends go out as couples. Except you. You feel like the only alone one.
So you start looking for Mr Right. You search online, you give a questioning smile to people in clubs, you join a book club, and you get your best friend to try hook you up with someone. This might work, but often it doesn’t. You don’t realise it, but you might not quite be ready for a relationship. You may appear too needy, or none of the guys you date fill all the boxes in your checklist.
3. Not looking
Finally, you reach a stage where you are no longer actively searching for a relationship. You realise that the dating scene is not working, and you just aren’t finding what you are looking for. So you give up. You stop searching, and move on with your life. And this is often the time that you actually end up finding a relationship.
4. A relationship blooms
Many good relationships start when you least expect it – when you aren’t busy looking for a relationship. Just make sure you are friendly, confident and open to new opportunities, and before you know it, you will be chatting to your future partner over cocktails.
Wow I will say you are a smart man, what you say here is exactly what i am going though, i am currently at that stage where I am searching yet not finding that guy…
i estimate being over this at some point next year yet at this point i wont date anyone, i am not ready for it and am currently not in the right frame of mind for letting someone in only for them to hurt me 3 to 12 months down the line…
please give me some sort of advise!
Thanks.
B.
Hi, thanks for the great comment. My advice would be: don’t set time frames or have expectations. Don’t search too hard, and also don’t block yourself from opportunities. Love cannot be planned and should not form part of a schedule. You may find someone amazing tomorrow. Are you going to let them go, in the fear of being hurt? You will know in your heart when the time is right, or when the person is right. You cannot have guarantees that you won’t be hurt. But that is what love is about. That is what life is about. Take the risk, as life is short.
I have to say it is logical to explain the process in this manner, but what happens if you’re stuck at stage 3 and not moving forward? It’s been a year and two months since my break up with my ex-boyfriend. I was at the stage where I was looking a few months ago. Now, I keep telling myself and others that it would just be inappropriate for me to find someone to date as I am not ‘mature’ enough or I just don’t find anyone I’ve met interesting enough to the point where I would want more than just friends or acquaintances.
I’ve turned countless hookups down as this isn’t what I perceive as a legit way of meeting someone decent.
If anyone has any advice, I sure could use some…
Maybe you have just recently moved into stage 3, and are about to find the right person. I think to be truly in stage 3, you must not compare each guy you meet to a potential partner, and you must be happy with yourself and at peace with being single. Then one day, BOOM, you meet someone who knocks you off your feet.
Don’t feel that you are not ‘mature’ enough. In fact, don’t say that you aren’t ‘anything’ enough. Because you will find someone that is right for YOU as you are. As long as you accept and love yourself, there will be someone who will do the same.
And yet some of us are still in stage one… where there seems to be no end to the dark tunnel…. #sigh… I wonder