This touching story was written by one of my readers about being confused with your sexuality…
I am a 23 year old gay guy who comes from a conservative family where homosexuality is not accepted and the subject is of a sensitive nature. I was raised by my mother and grandmother and grew up not knowing who my father was. I used to blame him for me being gay as he was never there for me… I had nobody to teach me the ways of manhood.
I’ve always had an empty void in me; a void that has made me not to trust and have faith in others; a void that has become a shield… a way to protect my self against any hurt inflicted by others. I’ve never had any romantic relationship nor had any courage to tell my family of my sexuality. And now the situation is more complicated as I have recently lost the one person who could have been more understanding of what I am and who would have accepted me for what I am. That person is my mother.
In this world, I’m like a star above the sky; in the presence of other stars, but a star that at times yearns to disappear and never to be seen; because in my heart I feel as if I am half alive, preventing myself from enjoying the pleasure of life and love that the world has to offer. I get tired of having to defend what and who I am, as if I’m God’s creation. A creation that was never meant to see the light and day; always questioned as if I am a mistake that was never meant to live. And all these emotions left me feeling like an empty desert; finding it hard to accept who and what I am as an individual.
Confused about your sexuality? There is hope
GayLifeZA says: Please hang in there. Being confused about your sexuality is normal. There is hope. You are a normal person like everyone else, and different like everyone else. You see, we are all different. Society has put these differences into boxes, but you must realise that you do not fit in a box. Have the courage to be who you really are. Because it is not possible to be someone else – if you try this, you end up being no one.
When I was younger, I also used to blame my absentee father for my sexuality.
But I also tended to get angry at the rain when I wanted to play outside. Or I would really be infuriated at a rock that I stubbed my toe into.
The point is, you really cannot do anything about where you are by looking back and thinking “if only”. It wastes time and is no good.
What you can do is say “I am here now. I may not understand how,but I need to go forward”. It’ll immediately feel better.
What you need is more self- awareness. So I would recommend books and internet. You won’t believe how many people feel the way you do out there. So you are not alone.
You also need to make friends with people who are progressive and have knowledge of what you are going through. So invest time in hobbies and doing things you like. You may find people of a similar outlook.
It may be of interest for you to research the origins of the Bible.And how it came to be. That is if you insist on using it as the “be all and end all”. You will be shocked at what you find. And perhaps it may bring you closer to God. The true nature of God.
Thanks for the comment, LoveLife. Very valid points you have raised.